...Still in Denial, I Was Far From Through, But This Was Step 1...Of Course I Never Said These Words Aloud & Two Hours Later Had No Recollection of the Courage or Insight Reflected In This Moment...
Note to Self:
It's amazing how I used to not even notice happiness. Funny how when you've always had something you don't even know that it exists. Funny how you can experience tragedy and trauma and never realize you have happiness.
Funny how for - one day, it just goes away - something's missing but exactly what you can't seem to say - one week, and you're confused and think maybe you just have the "blues" - one month, goes by, you start to feel it deep inside and in the end you say "maybe I'll feel better another day" - one year, and you think you're through, but faith and hope still have a hold of you - one year, ten months and twelve days, you know it's your happiness that's slipped away, you can't say when and you can't say why but one day you woke up and all you did was cry. And every day sense you felt the same except your ability to feel your emotions has gone away and you no longer know what to say, you force your faith, you fake a smile, you can't sleep and you know why, your happiness has been stolen from you and you just don't know what to do.
Your spouse has the nerve to say that "maybe you just like it that way", you stop and think, is that true? Has happiness never belonged to you, but in your mind and heart you see all the previous hurts and tragedy, the rapes, the fear, the threats, the hate, the shame and yet you loved anyway, you knew your worth, to some extent, and trusted God and what that meant- that he, himself had plans for you, a purpose and to feel loved too -
And so you say, "no way, one year, ten months and twelve days ago, I felt happiness EVERYDAY, how dare you tell me that happiness has always evaded me, indeed despite all of the pain, since the day what I KNEW as my life fell away, I've still felt happiness EVERYDAY" - in truth because I still held hope for you, for us, for me and in God too, but two months and twenty-three days ago, you said some things I can't let go, I want to, I really do and don't worry I'm not angry with you, but you see you said to me that I'm NOT who I KNOW myself to be, that everything I hold on to, everything I've always thought is true - that I am kind and generous, capable of grace and uniquely blessed- is false, is fake, is pointless- that despite my efforts, I am none of this, you screamed, you yelled, you tore me down and then you acted as though I was not around, I've never felt such loneliness or so far from happiness, I cried, I prayed, I said goodbye, as I was convinced that it was all a lie, that who I'd always thought I was and held onto and worked so very hard to love, was nothing more than some great sham, just lucky to have had a man, an undeserving, ungrateful brat- all night I sat trying so hard to find my happiness- I've never been so afraid as that moment my happiness was snatched away - and then you came to me to say, like always, "oh, that was just yesterday, I didn't mean it, I was just mad and you should get ready for your dad", thank God for him, as today I see that had he not rang the doorbell for me, this could have been my eulogy - and ever since that fateful day, my happiness has completely gone away,
two months and twenty three days ago, that's when my soul turned to stone, it's taken me that long to see that happiness may not just come back to me - that months, years and life might pass and I may never again feel that genuine happiness- I might not ever just wake up and smile, it may from this point forward always take awhile, that I may never ever again believe that God has plans for me- and then I think 34 years I LIVED, I lived with at least a SMIDGEN of daily happiness, I didn't even know what I had until one day I woke up permanently sad - and then I think how disrespectful it'd be if I let two months and twenty-three days beat me, and so I say all this to say that I want to be happy again one day, not because I force myself to be but because it comes genuinely from deep in me,
and in the days and months between, I'll work on, once again, loving me, in trusting that God knows what I can't see- that I'm who I always thought I'd be, that I'm good and kind and generous, that my love means something and in my worthiness, I think if I can truly believe that I'm who I've always strived to be and love again and set my soul free, that, maybe, just maybe God will bring happiness to me.
p.s. Attn: spouse:
By the way, if I am somehow blessed again with this thing happiness, you'll never ever get your hands on it, if I'm ever again somehow so fortunate.
That doesn't mean that I've stopped loving you or that, with this marriage, I am through- it just means that I love myself more than I love you and see the damage sadness can do to me and so, actually, I'm also protecting you - because I'm fairly confident that if I ever again have happiness, we won't survive you snatching it, as now I know what I had and what it feels like to feel perpetually sad and if I ever get out of this and feel genuine happiness, it means I love myself again, and know that I am kind and generous and trust that God has plans for me, that I serve a purpose and that I'm free - don't think I'll ever give that up again, just know I'll fight you to the end, because I now know that you loving me is not enough for me to be genuinely happy, that I must love myself the most, so if I'm ever forced again to choose between my happiness and loving you, well now you know just what I'll do.
And know it's nothing personal, I just have to protect my soul, so please don't ever make me choose between my happiness and you because you, my darling, I'd hate to lose.
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